January 2011
41 posts
and i love you
but i’ll leave you.
i can't stop listening to that song
and i think i finally figured out what you meant.
i don’t think you were the one who was born for leaving; it was me.
perhaps i’m just more at peace with my leaving than you are with yours.
“Music melts all the separate parts of our bodies together.”
– Anais Nin (via kari-shma)
i listen to you
because you know me best.
or, you did,
i’ll still listen, either way.
and,
i made a list of things i should probably stop worrying about, but now i just worry about them even more.
too weird to pass up
these moments don’t seem to precisely fit or mesh together into one cohesive life; i’ve been wondering if maybe i just like having all these small oddities, strange moments with near strangers, to make it more interesting. i don’t think i’ve changed so much since elementary school, when i would stack nicknacks on my shelves just to look at all that i could accumulate,...
anyway,
for someone completely lacking in artistic talent, a watercolor class is probably the most stressful thing on the planet.
we always wait,
dream about, hope for that one last chance - the one last touch, cathartic experience, to know that this is it. the chance to memorize every detail, every fingerprint and freckle, to be able to walk away saying: this is it. this was where it ended, this was where i took it all in and let it go.
and i never knew, realized, that last touch would be the one haunting me, far worse than the nagging...
“Some people feel like they don’t deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty...”
– Into the Wild, Jon Krakauer (via fuckyeahliteraryquotes)
i thought about the end
because don’t we all?
that’s always what people want to hear about, what we seem so unresolved about - how it ended.
nobody ever asks about the beginning: how it all started, why it began, what changed, what made me decide to run.
all they ever hear is that i ran and that’s the only thing that seems to stick, to engage, to matter.
i haven't been this excited about a semester...
because i feel like i finally have the time and flexibility to focus on thin things i’m interested in, and none of these classes will be chores for me.
i spent a lot of time missing boston, but mostly missing the shapinator. it’s not always easy to connect with a professor and she was the first one i ever had that made me feel like it was all worth something. i don’t get that...
“But don’t forget who you really are. And I’m not talking about your so-called...”
– Louis Sachar (via itookadeepbreath)
i’ve realized why we’re always so inclined to go back to the places that hurt us.
and i used to believe that time would smooth everything over, but it was also what bound us together and it’s not easy to forget that.
i’ve become better at worrying less, though. living in the moment, less inside my head, no matter how difficult it is.
to stop considering the choices i...
3 tags
“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish...”
– Anaïs Nin (via kari-shma)
they built a front porch onto the house i used to live in:
creeping into the yard, eating up the space that used to be blooming with rhododendrons.
and i thought about the window seat in the bathroom,
as i drove by,
and how i would curl into it those night i couldn’t sleep.
i missed you, (thought you still sleep in the room next to mine)
missed the way you used to say the moon...
“The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that...”
– Albert Camus (via derrickmercer)
the biggest problem is that memory is tied to...
i thought maybe i should start packing, but i guess i never really unpacked in the first place.
“I don’t like novels that end happily. They depress me so much.”
– The Importance of Being Earnest, Oscar Wilde (via coffincaitlin)
“I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought,...”
– Frida Kahlo (via sarahgraham7, afghanipoppy) (via paperdaffodils)
“There is not one big cosmic meaning for all, there is only the meaning we each...”
– Anais Nin (via libraryland)
i am entirely immersed in the past tense.
drowning, reviled in how easy it is to imagine all is how it was.
there’s always a reason we leave somewhere; i can’t see that as clearly now. it’s a dangerous way to be thinking.
i am craving headlights, the never-ending yellow lines. the incessant hum of my engine isn’t as satisfying or calming when i have to stop, when my...
“We’d said we’d keep in touch. But touch is not something you can keep; as soon...”
– David Levithan (via notwritenow)
we are not always loved in the ways we want.
at the end of 2009, i felt nothing but relief, to be able to say the year was over, to condense and compress it, keep it compact : safe, away from leaking any more wreckage into my life.
but i still had to carry the neat little package of destruction around with me, the nagging sense and looming fear a constant shadow.
perhaps i needed the year to let it seep into me.
to realize things...
